C’mon!  What’s the big deal folks?  Isn’t Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and almost every other popular holiday just a clever marketing gimmick foisted on the naive and unsuspecting populace by greedy greeting card companies and malicious candy manufacturers?  I mean really?

Truth be told, I’ve generally held to that belief myself.  I didn’t grow up with a particularly demonstrative father so my mother was short changed in the flowers, cards and candy department.  I had no meaningful role model when it came to holidays and such.  Fortunately, as I “matured”, I did learn that Mother’s Day is one of those holidays that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  You see, mothers work all year long performing thousands of thankless jobs.  Most do it without much complaining and some even find their role enjoyable and fulfilling.  How hard is it to go out just once a year at a bare minimum, stop at the Dollar Store and grab a card and some plastic forget-me-nots?  I mean really?

OK, step it up a notch or two and get a nice card, real flowers and a box of candy.  I know this sounds a lot like my February 14th post but honestly, I sort of dropped the ball this year.  I thought, “Hey, she’s not my mother.  She’s just my wife.  (Youch!)  The kids should be the ones shelling out for cheap cards and imitation floral arrangements.  I did my thing on Valentine’s Day, right?”  Wrong!  Well, the kids also dropped the ball.  Not sure they even came to the game.  No breakfast in bed for mom.  No candy.  No flowers.  Oddly, my youngest made a card at school for mom.  (He probably had a kind and considerate lady teacher remind him.)  The older kids and I barely showed up.  I got a card out of our backup card box.  Couldn’t use the “Get Well Soon” so I went with a generic “Think Of You”.  Even my mother who lives in a long term care facility sent a card to my wife.  I still feel like a heel.  No, I didn’t send a card to my mother either.  I did call though if that counts.

Why women tolerate our endless insensitivity and utter lack of thoughtfulness will always be a mystery to me.  They deserve better.

Wonder what I’ll get for Father’s Day…

 

 

 

I love black licorice!  Sure, red licorice is tasty, but in my mouth, black vines are the bomb.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I was moody and quiet.  I wanted to be left alone so, naturally, I went to Wal-Mart.  Candy always helps chase away the dark clouds in my mind so I began wandering the aisles of Easter sweets searching for the perfect treat to soothe my mental anguish.  Ultimately, I chose my old standby; Black Licorice.

Here’s the interesting part…I carefully considered the fact that my wife does not like black licorice.  I could have purchased red vines and shared them with her.  I even might have grabbed a mixed bag of red and black vines.  Again, I could have shared with my wife.

The one pound bag of black licorice was to be mine and mine alone!  I wasn’t about to share.  Not with her.  Not with anyone!!!

I got back to the car (she had provided the transportation for this self-centered excursion) and when I opened the bag of candy, she proclaimed, “What?  No red licorice?”  I didn’t respond.  The depth of my depravity hit me.  I was like Gollum clinging to my “Precious.”

The point of all this is simple.  The opposite of love is not hate; it is selfishness.  Whether it is over candy, money, bedroom pleasures, it doesn’t matter.  Selfishness is ugly.

Curiously, my wife asked for a piece of black licorice.  I gave up one vine.  I surmised that she was making a point rather than actually enjoying the candy.  The point was made.  I was being a selfish little boy.  Sadly, I ate the rest of the one pound bag alone last night in the dark.

Today I feel like an idiot.  I guess I was, in fact, acting like an idiot.  Sorry honey.  Thanks for showing me grace once again.  Next time, I’ll get a mixed bag.

 

…Violets are blue.  I went to a movie.  What did you do?

Before she got home from work, I stopped by Hallmark for a card that said something thoughtful like, “I still love you.  Wanna fool around baby?”.  When I asked the clerks where I could find the wife cards, they all laughed.  (They were women of course.)  They pointed me to the bare, picked over rack behind me.  I was advised not to wait until the last minute next year.  Thanks ladies!

Empty handed, I went to the local flower shop to grab a nice bouquet of roses.  I chuckled to see all the clueless guys lined up in front of a table with several women frantically adding babies breath and ribbon to the lovely flowers.  Then I noticed the price!  A simple bunch of roses was setting these fellows back $30 – $50 each.  I was floored.  Obviously, I haven’t bought roses for a long time.  Shame on me!  Naturally, the best picks and the best prices were gone days ago.  I wasn’t about to shell out $50 and stand in line for an hour.  I may be clueless, but I’m no idiot…usually.  Not that my wife isn’t worth the investment but I know she would prefer chocolate.

Helpful tip here men:  Don’t wait til the last minute to buy flowers.

Before leaving, I grabbed a big fancy box of chocolates in a heart shaped box with a pretty plastic rose hot glued to the top.  Now we’re talking.

After a couple of hours shuttling kids hither and yon, we finally got away to the theater and watched “The Vow”.  I’m not normally a chick flick kind of guy but, hey, it was Valentine’s Day right?  I was pleasantly surprised by the depth of love and commitment the leading man showed his wife after a tragic accident that would have blown away most marriages.  I recommend the movie (and I seldom recommend movies).  Nough said.

My wife and I grabbed a late dinner at Applebee’s and called it a night.  Before falling asleep she commented, “It was a good day.”  Sigh of relief.  I didn’t totally blow it this year.

New Clue:  I’m learning that no matter how many times I’ve been clueless and messed things up in the past, it isn’t too late to try again.  Never give up!  Never surrender!  I may not get it perfect (like this year) but I tried to do it right and that won me points.  Sure, my wife has to give me a lot of grace and she continues to love me in spite of my frequent failures.  Most of the time though, she just needs to know that I want to love her more tomorrow than I did today.

 

February 14, 2012 marks the beginning of my Clueless Man blog!  It’s a friendly (but manly) place to share tips, tricks and helpful advice for “clueless guys” everywhere.

OK, I admit that Valentine’s Day 2011 was a total disaster.  I was mad.  She was mad.  We didn’t exchange cards, gifts, kisses, sex or even friendly glances as I recall.  I was not only clueless…I was being a jerk!  I didn’t feel romantic anymore and simply didn’t much care how she felt.  I felt nothing.  I did nothing.  I got nothing in return.  Not good!!!

This year is going to be different.  Well, I haven’t gotten the card, flowers or chocolate…yet.  But I’m going to.  I’m planning a nice dinner out, no kids.  Yes, I’ll even shower and shave, maybe put on some after shave and brush my teeth.  Probably not in that order…  I’ll let you know how it goes.

New Clue:  Valentine’s Day is a great day to let your romantic side shine but really, a woman wants to feel special every day of the year.  Don’t wait for Feb 14 to come around to do the right thing.  Practice romance all year long.  A card now and then, a rose here and there, a little help around the house without being nagged, a quiet dinner out without expecting sex afterward.  It’s the little things 24/7 – 365 that will keep the love light shining bright.

Happy Valentine’s Day my brothers!!!